Fatboy Slim – ‘Right Here, Right Now’, ‘The Rockafeller Skank’
The creative low-point of British dance music revisited by some pillock from Bromley who used to be in the Housemartins. At least he looked like he was enjoying himself, and the giant octopus was a winner.
Jessie J, Tinie Tempah & Taio Cruz – ‘Price Tag’, ‘Written in the Stars’, ‘Dynamite’, ‘You Should Be Dancing’
Crap, but at least it probably made some under-16s happy, especially given that the rest of the ceremony seemed squarely targeted at people who came of age in the self-congratulatory Britpop ’90s.
Beady Eye – ‘Wonderwall’
Liam Gallagher must’ve sung ‘Wonderwall’ what, 3000 times in his life, if not more? And still he struggles to sing it in tune. It would’ve actually been preferable to hear him sing one of his own songs – ‘Songbird’, perhaps – as opposed to butchering one of Noel’s in such prideless, dead-eyed and dutiful (to the tax man) fashion.
Spice Girls – ‘Wannabe’, ‘Spice Up Your Life’
The anticlimax of the decade. It was always going to be underwhelming musically, of course, but we didn’t expect it to be so underwhelming as a spectacle. That said, the Spice Girls must be the only group in history who look better now than they did 15 years ago.
Eric Idle – ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’
Unfuckwithable, to be honest.
Muse – ‘Survival’
We survived, just.
Queen and Jessie J – ‘We Will Rock You’
We didn’t really hear this properly – the visual distraction of Brian May’s monstrous grey perm and Jessie J’s surgical sock outfit was just too much.
Take That – ‘Rule the World’
Gary Barlow has to be the safest pair of hands in British establishment music. A mere week after undergoing immense personal tragedy, he’s here at the Olympic Stadium, leading his lads in a teary, triumphant and ever so slightly imperialist reading of ‘Rule The World’.
The Who – ‘Baba O’Riley’, ‘See Me, Feel Me’, ‘My Generation’
Most people would probably prefer to see Hugh Laurie doing his House keyboard mime of ‘Baba O’Riley’ than hear Roger Daltrey sing it live. But when the best representation of “our generation” that the Closing Cermony organisers could rustle up were Jessie J, Emeli Sande and Muse, it was hard not to feel nostalgic for the one of which The Who are part. When all the dinosaurs die, will Britain still be able to legitimately call itself the greatest pop nation on Earth?