Purple – ‘Feel Alone’

Josh Hall: Somebody buy that man a copy of Melodyne. (4)

Joe Muggs: Mmmm, trip hop.  Tasteful.  I’m a sucker for organ bass so one bonus point for that but otherwise, it’s just kind of there and then it isn’t, and that’s that. (5)

John Twells: This one starts of like a late-90s low-key electronica jam and then sort of gets all coffee table. It’s not unpleasant but it’s not super exciting either – I don’t really feel alone, I just feel a bit bored. (6)

Chal Ravens: They’re what you’d expect from Shlohmo’s affiliates, but the pitched up/down voices are sounding a little tired these days. Same goes for the inoffensive trip-hop shuffle below. It’s not actively bad, just a little affectless. (4)

Chris Kelly: The anonymous artist thing is a bit corny, but this is exactly what we should expect from Wedidit at this point: hazy, screwed-down R&B crooning over a muted hip-hop beat. (6)

Brad Rose: I was prepared to not be feeling this, but it’s just really damn good.  That slow bass creep is the guide for everything else and just won’t let go.  I’m still pretty indifferent to his vocals, but the instrumentation and production is the real show anyway. (7)

Steve Shaw: I feel like I’ve just stepped into Muji or something. (4)

5.1

 TLC – ‘Meant to Be’

Steve Shaw: This isn’t exactly memorable – unobjectionable album filler, really – but you know what? Fair play to TLC here for sticking to that ‘Unpretty’-era sound their original fan base will appreciate. (4)

Brad Rose: I’ve got a lot of love for TLC but this just sounds like something my mom would listen to on her way home from church. (4)

Chal Ravens: This must surely be a TLC studio offcut from the late ’90s, recently unearthed from the vaults? The sprightly acoustic guitar, the plasticky strings, the naff backing vocals – they all sound like generic placeholders to be filled in properly later. I guess if anyone has the right to sound like this, it’s TLC, but it’s about as uncool as they’ve ever been. (4)

Joe Muggs: How weird, it switches from bar to bar – one minute it’s 80s Stevie Wonder, then it’s bad Spice Girls ballad, and back again… But then that’s NeYo all over. It sounds like TLC, so that’s a bonus, and the production is pleasingly retro. In general: quite nice. (6)

Josh Hall: This feels very much like a period piece, like Ne-Yo trying to make an approximation of hazily produced early-‘00s pop’n’b. Which I guess is the idea, but it’s hard to see the point of including a single sub-par new track in what is obviously going to be an otherwise fantastic set. One extra point for avoiding the almost inevitable key change, though. (5)

John Twells: It isn’t the disaster I think I was secretly expecting it to be, but I have to say I kinda expected the ladies to at least come to terms that it’s not the 1990s any more. I get it, the 90s were kinda cool – I love my Commodore Amiga games and TAB Clear as much as the next guy but enough is enough. (6)

Chris Kelly: Two-thirds of TLC is not TLC, but if everyone is going to get paid off 90s R&B, T-Boz and Chilli (and Ne-Yo) deserve a cut. (4)

4.8

David Bowie – ‘Lost is Lost’ (James Murphy remix)

Steve Shaw: Hello relevance! Murphy’s patter may be ubiquitous to the point of nausea now – and this certainly ticks all the boxes for predictable, label-dictated marketing exercise – but surprisingly enough, it actually comes out on top. Here Murphy takes a very genuine NYC post-punk producer’s route, creating a strong track in its own right, rather than some kind of supplementary bonus. (7)

Brad Rose: I imagine this is what the new Arcade Fire album is going to sound like.  Also, fuck everyone who is putting out DELUXE VERSIONS of their albums six months after the original release. Assholes. (4)

Joe Muggs: When I saw the description of this I winced a bit, because you never know when James Murphy is going to outwit himself and let the cleverness overwhelm the talent – that’s why I’ve generally preferred DFA remixes to LCD stuff, because there’s less archness and more cutting loose – and all the talk of “reference points” wasn’t promising. But this is… a fucking majestic indulgence really. It’s how 21st century Bowie should sound. Makes me want to do all the drugs and just bask in it. Top notch. (9)

John Twells: Very clever James Murphy, you used a ‘Clapping Music’ reference to reframe a Bowie track. Well just for ambition alone I suppose that warrants five points out of ten, but it also manages to be far less irritating than most of Murphy’s productions and the synth sound is actually pretty appealing. Ah, when a good idea actually works out well. (7)

Josh Hall: ‘Love Is Lost’ is one of my favourite tracks from The Next Day, and this is one of my favourite remixes of the year. It really hits its stride with the ‘Ashes To Ashes’ melody midway through, after which that beautiful, swaddling bass takes over. The inversion of the “say hello” line is really unsettling; it sounds as if you’re hearing Bowie sing from the inside of his own head. A full album of Murphy Next Day remixes would be very welcome. (8)

Chris Kelly: Will this end up being Murphy’s most essential DFA remix? The source material is already pretty epic (with lyrics that recall the existential crises of LCD’s ‘Losing My Edge’ and ‘All My Friends’) and Murphy more than doubles it in length and tension with a dancefloor edit that is reverent of the past (with nods to Steve Reich’s rhythmically adventurous ‘Clapping Music’ and Bowie’s ‘Ashes to Ashes’) in a way that unhinges it from time. (10)

Chal Ravens: Well, I’m genuinely surprised at how listenable this turned out to be. The Reich-inspired clapping music is a red herring, of course, tacked on mainly to highlight just how cool and groovy and in-the-know Mr Murphy is, but the rest of the track is so indulgent and overblown it’s actually big fun, and it gets much better after five minutes when the DFA disco groove kicks in. (7)

7.4

Borgore feat. Waka Flocka Flame & Paige – ‘Wild Out’

Chris Kelly: FAKE TRAP SHIT (1)

Steve Shaw: 43 seconds of interest followed by 3 and a half minutes of sheer prolapsing misery. (1)

Chal Ravens: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Waka sounds pretty at home over Borgore’s glossy attempt at trap for the first half-minute, but then it all goes terribly, unlistenably wrong. For people who think “filthy” is a compliment. (1)

Josh Hall: Christ. Had this been released six months earlier it would almost certainly have been an ‘anthem’ at Ultra. There is always at least something entertaining about demented Waka, but everyone else involved in the commission or execution of this barbarity needs to be made an example of. (2)

Brad Rose: The first 30-40 seconds actually aren’t bad and then it turns into total hilarity. This is a real thing that exists. Everyone think about that for a minute. (1)

Joe Muggs: Borgore is clearly a weeping anus of a man with all his “look mummy I done a poo” try-hard shock tactics, but to give him his due he’s knocked out some bangers in his time. This is not one of them. How can something this shouty sound so TIRED? Just really very bad. (1)

John Twells: I know everyone’s gonna slate this, I mean, it’s hard not to – but I can’t help thinking that it could have been way, way worse. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still fucking atrocious, but it feels mid-level atrocious, like I can ignore it rather than it jumping up and slapping its sweaty dutch electro-led cock and balls all over my face. I have listened from beginning to end and I don’t feel the need to wash, I’d regard that as a modest success on Borgore’s part. Who is Paige? (2)

1.3

Fatima Al-Qadiri – ‘Knight Fare’

Josh Hall: Fatima Al-Qadiri clearly does Looney-Tunes-meets-Richard-Burton better than anyone. This hits much harder than ‘Ghost Raid’ and has to rank amongst the best of the (post-)war dubs: Al-Qadiri beats all-comers when it comes to Antarctic lead lines. More Future Brown bits soon though? (8)

Chris Kelly: Another example of Fatima Al Qadiri’s ability to evoke the terror of war (e.g. the Desert Strike EP) with little more than a grime rhythm and a Pure Mood synthpack. (8)

Joe Muggs: I’m kind of worn down after listening to all 200-odd war dubs, not really many words left to describe yet another grime instrumental. This is an OK grime instrumental. Is there supposed to be some reason to be extra excited about it beyond that? (5)

John Twells: Fatima Al-Qadiri’s productions are always ace, and this one follows on nicely from the eerie Desert Strike EP. I’m a sucker for anything with reverb-drenched plasticky FM synth sounds on, and ‘Knight Fare’ does it better than most, sounding like a cheapo US horror sequel and a classic grime riddim simultaneously. That’s what we call a twofer – war dub or not, it’s fucking quality. (8)

Steve Shaw: Generally speaking, I’m totally into Al Qadiri’s instrumental palette and melodies, but the funfair haunted house vibe of this maybe sounded a little too kitsch for me. However, I can imagine it’d sound complete – and probably pretty dangerous – with British MCs all over it. (6)

Brad Rose: The grime wars have been one of 2013 highlights and “Knight Fare” is like the cherry on top. The mix of synth sounds and textures are spot-on with the whole thing skulking down into the eerie depths. Love it. (7)

Chal Ravens: Fatima Al-Qadiri is quietly becoming one of the most awesome producers around, not least because of her ability to balance heady conceptualism with heavyweight club-readiness. This deserves high marks for both idea and execution. (8)

7.1

R. Kelly – ‘Cookie’

Joe Muggs: Just because you’re very wealthy doesn’t give you the right to wank in public. (2)

Brad Rose: 40+ year-old R. Kelly is becoming the best R. Kelly. Or at least the raunchiest, which is a feat in-and-of itself. (6)

John Twells: Kells sounds absolutely bonkers here, and that’s what makes ‘Cookie’ so damn good. He’s not even making any sense: how are you supposed to be able crack a young lady’s back like a lobster? Isn’t that the sort of thing that would have you behind bars? Well I suppose if you can urinate on minors, breaking backs with elaborate metal devices is just business as usual. (8)

Steve Shaw: A useful case study in cognitive dissonance: Cheers to lines worthy of The Sun, gangster whine synth and a Cookie Monster reference; jeers to giving me such detailed mental imagery of a creepy 46-year-old’s sex life, trap R Kelly and, of course, ‘turn up’. (6)

Chris Kelly: Choose your own adventure/cringeworthy lyric: “beat the pussy’til it’s blue” or “I love to lick the middle like an Oreo (turn up)” or “Break your back / crack it open like a lobster.” Never change, Robert. (6)

Chal Ravens: The sound of R. Kelly deciding he’s not going to take any shit from that upstart chump Jeremih anymore? This has absolutely no right to be as good as it is, and I enjoyed every second, aside from a couple of the most gauche lines, in particular re: “cookie jars”. (7)

Josh Hall: Vomit. (2)

5.3

Joker – ‘Arabian Knights’

John Twells: Prince of Purple. (7)

Josh Hall: I still can’t get enough of Joker Drive, but this is a satisfying return to some of the themes of his earlier work – along with added Drive funk chord references, albeit more strung out. The kicks cascading off into the distance are a lovely detail, and there is a great sense of zooming into the bedlam of the chorus and then out again into the silvery hook. Solid. (7)

Brad Rose: Joker kind of lost his way a few years ago, but this past year has seen him slowly returning to form. ‘Arabian Knights’ takes a surprising turn with middle-eastern tinted leads, but Joker’s usual swarm of gnarly bass and stripped-down beats adds a familiar touch.  It’s a weird mix, and while it may not be ‘Digidesign’ levels of greatness, it’s pretty damn good. (7)

Joe Muggs: I think Joker is making the beats of his life at the moment… The 4AD album wasn’t bad, but the stuff he’s done since has really hit the spot. In a nice iTunes shuffle moment ‘Old Era’  came on after John Barry’s ‘The Black Hole’ theme the other day and the segue was just so perfect. One day Joker will find the right vocalist to form a proper mature songwriting partnership, and/or he’ll get given the right movie soundtrack to score, and then, I’m sure he’ll make his masterpiece. But until then, this will do very nicely indeed, thankyou. (8)

Chal Ravens: There’s something terribly un-PC about this, isn’t there? Bits of it are great, like the silky-smooth, sex-on-a-magic-carpet R&B interlude; other bits, like the slightly Borgore-ian squelch-step, are less convincing. (5)

Chris Kelly: Joker will always remind me of 2008/9, and his lack of interest (and/or inability) to move beyond purple will continue to be disappointing, no matter how lush the results. (5)

6.5

Final scores:

David Bowie – ‘Lost is Lost’ (James Murphy remix) (7.4)
Fatima Al-Qadiri – ‘Knight Fare’ (7.1)
Joker – ‘Arabian Knights’ (6.5)
R. Kelly – ‘Cookie’ (5.3)
Purple – ‘Feel Alone'(5.1)
TLC – ‘Meant to Be’ (4.8)
Borgore feat. Waka Flocka Flame & Paige – ‘Wild Out’ (1.3)