It’s inauguration day, and you know what that means?
Well, usually it means that the USA’s biggest stars will turn out to kiss some Presidential ass and wave to huge crowds across Washington DC. This year? Not so much.
The expected A-listers have been replaced by a curious gaggle of country stars, people nobody’s ever heard of and… er… Michael Flatley. Yep. The lord of the dance himself will be bouncing his way across President Donald Trump’s stage. It doesn’t get more patriotic than that, folks.
We’ve handily saved you the trouble of Googling the breathtaking group of nobodies reportedly set to perform by doing the work ourselves and reviewing each one in a manner that Fox News might call “fair and balanced.” Strap in – this one’s a bumpy ride.
The Rockettes
We keep picturing the climax of Nightmare On Elm Street 2, but instead it’s Trump shouting: “You’re all my USA Freedom Girls now!!!” At least Freddy Krueger could get good artists to work with him and that dude literally killed children.
Big & Rich
Big & Rich sounds like the work of some kind of Trump inauguration performer internet name generator, but apparently this duo are for real? A quick Google reveals they’re two dudes from Nashville named “Big” Kenny and John Rich who have a song called ‘Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)’ that’s so unbelievably fucking moronic it can only have been conceived by someone recently kicked in the head by one. But while they score low for their music, they win BIG POINTS from FACT’s resident Simpsons super nerd and horror fan for their respective hats: one borrowed from The Babadook, the other a definite homage to that time Homer tried to incriminate the Kwik-E-Mart for selling out-of-date hot dogs.
Tony Orlando
For the purposes of this article, we just listened to a song by mustachioed crooner Tony Orlando called ‘Candida’. We wish we candidn’t.
Michael Flatley
Don’t you just love Kanye not getting an invite to the inauguration because he’s “not American enough” while Michael “The Shamrock” Flatley gets the nod? Don’t know about you, but we’ve never gone a day in the good old US of A without seeing someone Riverdance across a street to the tune of a penny whistle.
Chrisette Michele
Chrisette Michele releases music on her own label called Rich Hipster, and unfortunately rich hipsters are going to be the only kind of fans she’ll have left after the inauguration. She says she’s only performing to act as a “bridge” between Trump and the people he opposed in his campaign, but to borrow from a similarly flashy and incendiary but ultimately failed Republican: thanks, but no thanks, on that bridge to nowhere.
Toby Keith
We learned everything we need to know about Toby Keith’s scheduled performance on CNN days before the inauguration.
https://twitter.com/jazzyj022/status/821222306425008128
Lee Greenwood
Lee Greenwood is the aviator-wearing white dude responsible for patriotic brain fart ‘God Bless the USA’. And despite claiming not to be political, Greenwood has sung at three prior inaugurations – no prizes for guessing which three. He’s a conservative Christian and makes country music. It will definitely not be lit.
3 Doors Down
Turns out 3 Doors Down’s only true ‘Kryptonite’ is 17 years of being one hit wonders. This is one hell of a way to drag yourself out of irrelevancy.
Jackie Evancho
Raptor-eyed blonde Jackie Evancho is best known for competing on televised meat market America’s Got Talent. She didn’t win, but that didn’t stop the winningest President-elect of all time from snagging her for this high honor. She apparently says a little prayer before singing – we reckon a can of pepper spray might be more useful.
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir
This one is great. Seriously, if you’re ever in Salt Lake City catch them live – the Mormon Tabernacle Choir fucking BANGS.
The Piano Guys
The Piano Guys say performing at Trump’s inauguration “isn’t an endorsement”. A bit like how, when we say this bunch of YouTube pricks’ novelty renditions of One Direction songs make us want to push our thumbs into our eye sockets until we no longer feel feelings, that in fact “isn’t a criticism!” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam Moore (of Sam & Dave)
Thought this was Chas and Dave. Smh.
Tim Rushlow
Tim Rushlow used to be in a country band called Little Texas, and when they broke up he formed a band called Rushlow. Imagination isn’t his strong suit, then, but at least he’s sold a lot of records. That used to mean something, right? We’ve got an idea for the staunch Constitutionalist whose tagline is “get your retro on” and wants to transport the crowd back to 1965 – why not re-form Little Texas and secede? Into the fucking sea.
Travis Greene
Since Trump’s people dubbed natural born American Kanye West “not American enough” to play at the inauguration, we have to wonder how poor Travis Greene slipped through the cracks. Maybe the gospel singer will be performing in White Chicks-style makeup so as not to worry the braying throng of racists in attendance. There’ll be a lot of clutched purses and awkward glances either way.
DJ Ravidrums
If you don’t like drums, look away now! DJ Ravidrums is pure essence of drum – he’ll probably tell you he sleeps with a drum kit and needs to “beat his sticks” to feel alive. He’ll tell you that as he looks you in the eye and promises to make you a star. He’ll also tell you he invented the process of simultaneous live drumming and remixing, which maybe he did – who knows. Who cares. At least he’s not a white man in a cowboy hat!
The Talladega College Tornado Marching Band
FINALLY, an act on the inauguration bill whose name acknowledges the spiralling force of chaos about to swallow up and spit out everything in its greedy path over the next four years! Good luck everyone – we’re going to need it.
