Name: Mujava
Country: South African
Position: Defender
Attack: 75
Defence: 50
Skill: 80
Strength: 60
Consistency: 50
Comparison: Knows his way around a hook like no one else here. If he can keep his head [he did have a breakdown] he’ll be on to a winner, and never underestimate home advantage – we presume he’s used to the vuvuzelas. Think: Emmanuel Adebayor.
Name: Roska
Country: England
Position: Defender
Attack: 60
Defence: 85
Skill: 70
Strength: 80
Consistency: 85
Comparison: Mr. Consistency. Rarely strays from what he knows best, but that’s because what he knows best works. Has the best chant out of any player in the tournament. Think: Sol Campbell.
Name: Tinchy Stryder
Country: England
Position: Striker
Attack: 85
Defence: 15
Skill: 95
Strength: 40
Consistency: 75
Comparison: Had trials at Wimbledon, which means he’s probably better at real life football than anyone else here (bar Actress). Tricky, low centre of gravity and experience beyond his years. Think: Lionel Messi.
Name: Actress
Country: England
Position: Winger
Attack: 90
Defence: 70
Skill: 90
Strength: 65
Consistency: 80
Comparison: The only person on this list to have played professional football. Injuries and a move to Hazyville have taken its toll, but when push comes to shove he’d do them all. Think: Thierry Henry.
Name: Ben Klock
Country: Germany
Position: Defender
Attack: 30
Defence: 85
Skill: 35
Strength: 95
Consistency: 80
Comparison: Poweful, efficient, well-oiled (well, he does DJ at Berghain) – all the cliches you could ever label at a German, you can label at big Ben Klock. A rock. Think: Nemanja Vidic.
Classic player!
Name: Wolfgang Voigt
Country: Germany
Position: Manager
Attack: 90
Defence: 70
Skill: 90
Strength: 65
Consistency: 90
Comparison: World Cups, Champions League, Euros – Voigt’s done it all, and is well deserving of his holographic status. Think: Franz Beckenbauer.
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