Nothing indicates the arrival of a World Cup quite like the paraphernalia.

The sticker books, the video games and, obviously, the vuvuzelas – it’s the tat that comes with the World Cup that truly makes it the greatest tournament on Earth.

Naturally, FACT wanted to jump on the bandwagon, and frustrated by the official Top Trumps cards for South Africa 2010 (only two stats to choose from, Attack and Defence? Johan Cryuff sporting a 91 for the former while Carvalho rolls with a 98 in the latter?), we thought we’d make our own alternative set, drawing on music rather than footy.

And here, dear reader, is your first pack. Ten players from Chile, Brazil, Germany, the USA, England, Holland and host nation South Africa, and of course, a highly collectable Classic Player card in holographic ‘shiny’ form. Enjoy, and feel free to make and suggest your own Trumps in the comments section.

Name: Ricardo Villalobos & Luciano
Country: Chile
Position: Attacking Midfielders

Attack: 80
Defence: 35
Stamina: 90
Skill: 85
Strength: 20
Consistency: 55

Comparison: South Americans, unstoppable at the start of the last decade but out of favour after a few years in the wilderness. Still capable of greatness. Think: Juan Sebastian Veron.

Name: Gui Borrato
Country: Brazil
Position: Striker


Attack: 65
Defence: 20
Stamina: 40
Skill: 85
Strength: 20
Consistency: 55


Comparison: Brazilian forward, capable of beautiful stuff but a bit lightweight for the Premiership. Think: Robinho.

Name: Kyle Hall
Country: USA
Position: Winger


Attack: 80
Defence: 50
Skill: 80
Strength: 65
Consistency: 70


Comparison: American wunderkind with the stage set for him to take the tournament by storm. Or he could end up doing nothing and going to Benfica. Think: Freddy Adu.

Name: Matthew Dear
Country: USA
Position: Goalkeeper


Attack: 20
Defence: 80
Skill: 65
Strength: 80
Consistency: 90


Comparison: His self-belief can lead to mistakes, but generally solid. Adaptable, dependable, and his big hands make him a king between the sticks. Think: Brad Friedel.

Name: Aardvarck
Country: Holland
Position: Winger


Attack: 75
Defence: 30
Skill: 85
Strength: 25
Consistency: 50


Comparison: Questions remain over his fitness, but if he can stay away from the bong he can be one of the tournament’s best. Think: Arjen Robben.

Name: Mujava
Country: South African
Position: Defender

Attack: 75
Defence: 50
Skill: 80
Strength: 60
Consistency: 50

Comparison: Knows his way around a hook like no one else here. If he can keep his head [he did have a breakdown] he’ll be on to a winner, and never underestimate home advantage – we presume he’s used to the vuvuzelas. Think: Emmanuel Adebayor.

Name: Roska
Country: England
Position: Defender


Attack: 60
Defence: 85
Skill: 70
Strength: 80
Consistency: 85


Comparison: Mr. Consistency. Rarely strays from what he knows best, but that’s because what he knows best works. Has the best chant out of any player in the tournament. Think: Sol Campbell.

Name: Tinchy Stryder
Country: England
Position: Striker


Attack: 85
Defence: 15
Skill: 95
Strength: 40
Consistency: 75


Comparison: Had trials at Wimbledon, which means he’s probably better at real life football than anyone else here (bar Actress). Tricky, low centre of gravity and experience beyond his years. Think: Lionel Messi.

Name: Actress
Country: England
Position: Winger


Attack: 90
Defence: 70
Skill: 90
Strength: 65
Consistency: 80


Comparison: The only person on this list to have played professional football. Injuries and a move to Hazyville have taken its toll, but when push comes to shove he’d do them all. Think: Thierry Henry.

Name: Ben Klock
Country: Germany
Position: Defender


Attack: 30
Defence: 85
Skill: 35
Strength: 95
Consistency: 80


Comparison: Poweful, efficient, well-oiled (well, he does DJ at Berghain) – all the cliches you could ever label at a German, you can label at big Ben Klock. A rock. Think: Nemanja Vidic.

Classic player!
Name: Wolfgang Voigt
Country: Germany
Position: Manager


Attack: 90
Defence: 70
Skill: 90
Strength: 65
Consistency: 90


Comparison: World Cups, Champions League, Euros – Voigt’s done it all, and is well deserving of his holographic status. Think: Franz Beckenbauer.